The Lie of Female Success:

How to Get Unstuck, Release Pressure & Stop Trying to Do It All


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September 23, 2019

21 Things You Can Do Today to Embrace Your Feminine Energy with Anna Rova

About This Episode

If you believe that the patriarchy has had an evil plan all along to make sure you stay in the kitchen, produce as many babies as possible and never make anything out of yourself as a woman, this is indeed the reality you’re living in.

In fact, you’re adding more fuel to the patriarchy engine by acknowledging and fighting against it.

I suggest we start living in a world that we want to live in. I suggest stopping using the phrase “living in a man’s world.” Again, if you believe that you’re living in a man’s world, that is exactly the world you’re living in. All you will see is only men in power, fewer opportunities for women, the crazy pay gaps, objectification and violence against women, negative posts on social media etc. I don’t live in that world. In fact, it feels like today we more and more live in a woman’s world.

I look at the same patriarchy and man’s world situation and all I see is opportunity and possibility for women. I see a world where if a woman wants something, works hard for it and asks for what she wants, she will be playing equally at the table. There has never been a time in history when women had more rights, more possibilities and more opportunities than today. Women manage businesses, pursue careers, run countries and achieve their dreams, all while raising children and taking care of communities. (In fact, women are doing a bit too much these days which leads to overworking, perfectionism and lots of stress but that’s another story for another time.)

This is a great time to live as a woman.

You can do whatever the hell you want, you have more options and choices than our mothers ever dreamed of.

If you want to read more about the myths of the “pay gap” and other nonsense of how the patriarchy is an evil planned designed by men, read Christina Sommer’s piece here and watch her youtube videos of the Factual Feminist here.

Before we understand what feminine energy or essence is and why it is important that women cultivate it, we need to first talk about the realities women are faced with today.

Femininity isn’t a concept used much these days simply because, in my opinion, it doesn’t serve women who fight for equal rights. Talking about qualities women have that are different from the qualities men have means focusing on inequality between men and women because it emphasizes the fact that men and women are different.

As women, we are bombarded with messages of equality, strength, and empowerment and that is an incredible movement to witness. But at times, it feels like it’s becoming too much of a battle that I’m not sure is worth fighting for. The concept of true equality has become something we start to question more and more.

It feels like patriarchy is now discussed at large and how it has ruined and conditioned all women to live in their own little boxes and limiting beliefs of disempowerment. They tell us we live in a man’s world that is dominated and run by men. They tell us that women are having the hardest time ever. That women are being paid less, ignored more, still mistreated and objectified.

Although I acknowledge and understand this reality, I don’t stand by it as a general truth simply because my experience hasn’t been the same. (Read: I choose to see the world differently.)

So what is the current reality, then? If most women feel victimized in a world run by men where there are fewer opportunities and more unfairness, is that the general truth, then? One situation could be looked upon differently by two different women. If the majority of women would actually start thinking that there are more opportunities and possibilities for women today than ever, that will become a general reality or truth.

I find it fascinating how any movement is primarily based on the current realities of people propagating or leading these movements. These realities could be influenced and bent. It is a matter of perception, personal experience and belief systems every woman holds.

Women are more stressed than ever

Today we are told to achieve more, be more and do more.

If you’re not hustling, you’re dead.

If you’re not running and marching toward your dreams, you’re a failure. If by the age of 30 you haven’t made a career for yourself or opened your own business, you’ve let everyone down. (Notice how being married, having a family and personal growth are not even on the success radar. Just go for your dreams and you’ll be successful even if inside you’re a total mess.)

Suddenly, it somehow became not okay, and even shameful, to be a mother or a wife. If, as a woman, I choose to focus on my family instead of my career, I’ve given up on feminism and my rights as a woman.

It feels like I’m some sort of a traitor and an enemy, and perhaps, I’m even contributing to the evil of the patriarchy that is designed to keep me int he kitchen and changing diapers. Women are not only encouraged but also pressured into pursuing their careers, opening businesses and voicing their opinions while men are encouraged to listen and not talk. (An Asian- American girlfriend who lives in NYC has sadly confessed that her white boyfriend doesn’t have the right to voice any opinions anymore because… well, he’s a white male and that automatically qualifies him as an oppressor.) And the ones who pressure us into this crazy hustling are other women. (Because it is okay for women to pressure other women and it’s not okay for men to do the same 🤷🏻‍ #doublestandard)

But what if I don’t want to pursue my career, sit at board meetings, run around like a headless chicken trying to meet all deadlines and all people at networking events? What if I don’t want the responsibility of my own business having to deal with employees, marketing funnels and constantly selling myself online?

What if I just want to take care of my baby for a year or two and cook delicious sugar-free meals and home-made chocolate chip cookies for my husband? What if I want to have mindblowing ohttps://girlskill.com/wp-admin/admin.php?page=elementorrgasms, take care of my own mind and body and let my man take care of the finances? What if I am still figuring it all out? What if I don’t want to fit a label? What if I don’t want to be a working horse?

What if I tell you that I just want to feel alive, whatever that means and that most career women and female entrepreneurs don’t seem to be feeling alive…

What if I tell you that I see these women struggling and pushing and juggling 100 things at a time always trying to prove something to someone. I don’t want their life. I don’t want their self-proclaimed independence. I’m not even sure what freedoms are they trying to secure anymore…

Maybe the point of life is to live it fully and perhaps there doesn’t have to be a linear trajectory for me to follow? Maybe I don’t want to grow, scale and expand all the time. Maybe my success as a woman is all messy and complicated and all tangled up.

What if my baby is more important to me than anything at this point? What if I am married to a man who is capable, willing and proud to take care of our family while I take care of the baby? What if this arrangement is working well for me? What if this is, in fact, equality for me? What if I don’t believe in a 50/50 marriage?

What if 100/100 is the reality I want to have in my marriage, which means that we each play a role in our family and are leveraging our strengths, instead of pushing against our weakness? What if I take pleasure and extreme joy and am grateful that I have a man by my side who is the provider and I don’t have to stress about tomorrow?

Wait, what…?

You would really want that? What kind of a woman wants that?

The kind of a woman who understands that her career and business doesn’t define who she is. That her greatest achievement is knowing herself and her unique feminine strengths. The kind of a woman that knows what femininity is and takes pride in true womanhood. The kind of a woman who doesn’t hide behind her CV, medals and degrees. The kind of a woman who doesn’t run up the corporate or entrepreneurship ladder just to prove them all wrong. The kind of a woman who knows better. Who knows deeper. Who knows that there is more. More truth, more power, more joy in her being. She defines and designs “the top” for herself and trusts that she will get there.

It feels like this kind of a woman would be almost a disgrace to the modern feminist movement.

If you resonate with the above and if no-one else (even yourself) gives you the permission to fill okay in this perspective, I can tell you that you’ve chosen a great path.

You have the permission to choose motherhood over your career if you want to. You have permission to be yourself. And maybe, this will be your choice for life. Only you decide what works for you.

Personally, I have felt extreme joy and happiness to be able to relax into the thought that my husband can provide for our family and I don’t have to push hard, stress hard and prove anything to anyone. I am building my business out of my creativity, joy, and obsession. I push myself hard, set goals and strive to be the best because that is my truth. I do it for me and if I need a day off, I take it (oh, those cramps…)

Hustling

When did “hustling” become the new measure for success?

We are constantly running, checking off our to-do lists, moving forward, and achieving without stopping and asking ourselves:


“Where am I running?”
“Is this my path or my father’s path?”
“Who said I need to have at least $50,000 in the bank before I turn 35?”

Men in skirts

The ideal female role model today is a man in a skirt. This might work in an office environment but it doesn’t work in our relationships. We are putting on a skirt (on that rare occasion) but leading in a masculine way and playing by the masculine rules, which is the necessary energy for progress, direction, and achievement.

Most women don’t know how and when to turn off the masculine direction and switch on their feminine flow, which is necessary in relationships with men.

The result is a relationship between two people with masculine energy that is completely depolarized. Most women intuitively understand this concept but don’t have the time nor the resources to educate themselves on it.

Feminine Energy/Essence

Feminine energy is power. Feminine essence is flow. It is fullness. It is radiance and it is life force itself. It is an instinctual wild nature that all women possess. It is the unexplainable knowing. It is chaos and wilderness.

Like the ocean, it is vast, it fills empty spaces, it purifies darkness, it is home to a diversity of life. Like the waves, it’s in a constant dance with itself and goes up and down all the time.

It is not doing. It is being. The feminine state is a state of constant play that wants to surrender and be conquered in order to escape again. It wants to dance in ecstasy and be taken by the masculine.

Masculine Energy/Essence

Masculine energy is power. Masculine essence is emptiness, nothingness, and presence. It is the direction and the act of moving forward. The masculine is not being, it is doing.
It is like the mountain that stands tall, and strong, and is unshakable. You can trust it to be consistent and constant. You can surrender to it and know that it will stand no matter what. The masculine wants the feminine to surrender and fill him up with energy.

The masculine is always on a mission.

The masculine’s main quest is freedom. It is that final relief after a battle (be it a real battle or a sports game,) after sex or after achieving a big goal. The masculine thrives when he lives on the edge, is being constantly challenged and stretched.

Polarity

The masculine and feminine are two opposites on the same spectrum. Just like darkness and light, yin and yang, sun and moon – they represent two opposite energies that when in contact with each other create attraction and polarity.

David Deida writes in-depth about the concept of polarity. Women and men have both masculine and feminine energy. However, most women would identify with feminine essence and most men would identify with a masculine essence.

The more feminine you are as a woman, the more masculine the man you will be attracting and vice versa. If your engines run on masculine energy, you will be attracting feminine men.

If you’re a woman craving a “strong man,” and you’re depleted and overwhelmed, life is a struggle and you’re almost at the edge of burning out, chances are you’re running on your masculine engine which is contrary to your feminine nature.

Bitterness and anger

The more feminine you are as a woman, the more masculine the man you will be attracting and vice versa. If your engines run on masculine energy, you will be attracting feminine men.

“There is a time in our lives, usually in mid-life, when a woman has to make a decision — possibly the most important psychic decision of her future life — and that is, whether to be bitter or not. Women often come to this in their late thirties or early forties. They are at the point where they are full up to their ears with everything and they’ve “had it” and “the last straw has broken the camel’s back” and they’re “pissed off and pooped out.” Their dreams of their twenties may be lying in a crumple. There may be broken hearts, broken marriages, broken promises.”
― Clarissa Pinkola Estés, Women Who Run With the Wolves: Myths and Stories of the Wild Woman Archetype

Women are turning bitter and angry. It feels like a lot of us are demanding revenge, demanding power back, demanding fairness for all the wrong that has been done to us in the past. We start resisting and blaming our fathers, brothers, ex-lovers, husbands, leaders, past kings, the barbarians, the Muslims and everyone else who happens to be male and violent for all the wrongdoings being done to women.

Acknowledging the wrong-doing is not the same as wanting revenge. Women use the anger and the bitterness against themselves, men and the world. An angry and bitter woman is a powerful force. The trouble is, she is on the opposite scale of a happy and fulfilled woman which is a creative, life-giving powerful force. In fact, the bitter and angry women are the source of destruction and negativity while happy and fulfilled women are the source of creation, of life and of abundance.

What kind of woman do you choose to be?

Rediscover & embrace your femininity

What is femininity anyways? What does it mean to be a woman, especially in today’s times?

Women feel overwhelmed, confused, and unsure of how to balance their lives and how to navigate the terrain of femininity.

Ask yourself these questions (and comment below if you’re called to):

  • What is femininity for you?
  • When do you feel most feminine?
  • What do you do on a daily basis to connect to your femininity?

I’ve interviewed more than 100 women asking them how they define femininity and success. All of them have such different answers depending on their age, culture, and upbringing. Every woman has the right to choose what is femininity for her but there is a fundamental definition that those of us who have explored, and played with and most importantly, felt it in their bones, identify with.

How to Connect to Your Femininity

Here are some practical tips I teach women on how you can connect to your femininity on a daily basis:

  • Take full responsibility for your life and your dreams
  • Study femininity and womanhood
  • Get out of your head and drop into your heart and womb more often
  • Stop rationalizing everything
  • Give yourself permission to relax, to just be without doing
  • Make creativity a habit in your life
  • Schedule a boudoir photoshoot
  • Work on your worth and your value
  • Make it your mission to become happy, and fulfilled
  • Spend A LOT of time in nature and close to the water
  • Spend more time with animals
  • Spend more time with babies and children
  • Smile and laugh more
  • Get rid of negative people
  • Stop reading the news & scrolling social media
  • Spend time in silence
  • Meditate
  • Study, observe & work with your menstrual cycle and its connection to the moon
  • Dance. Move your body often & free in a non-linear way
  • Let your man lead
  • Set your man free

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